Lisa's Hope

Never when you're looking

2011-04-09T08:45:00.001-07:00

Mmm, I know it has been a while since my last post. However, a lack of anything happening is far from the cause. There has been graduation, of which I couldn't have wished to be more perfect, a commendation plus the securing of my dream position within the same company a couple of months ago.

All very exciting stuff indeed one could conclude. However, amidst all of this, even more excitingly I have found myself to be five months into a relationship with the most considerate and caring guy anyone could wish for. How did this happen? Well I guess you say it was just meant to be. There I was window shopping for an item way beyond the extent of my purse, when by chance I walked into a shop where it had become available at a reduced price. To cut a short story shorter, no sooner had I'd said yes to coffee and agreed to lunch there I found myself dating the sales guy.

Five months on, things have gone from strength to strength. He's met my friends , I've met his; I've been vetted by the in laws and everyone would appear to be rooting for us. It wasn't something I saw coming or was even something I was looking for, I was happily resigned to enjoying the single life for the foreseeable future and yet here I am once again pinching myself at how lucky I am to enjoy the life I have today.

Burst Bubbles

2010-09-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Yes it has now been just over a month since the bubble of student life burst and I've found myself back in the real world of the working majority. Fortunately, having studied a vocational degree, the transition from student to employee materialised seemingly almost automatically. And indeed 'transition' was its title. Although the amusement of starting and finishing my degree in so called 'transition' (albeit very different processes) I'm sure would have been lost on my classmates who as far as I can tell have remained unaware of my journey.

With regard to my new chosen profession, all is seemingly very good. I'm loving what I do and I really hope I can be an asset to the team. I do worry at times though that in being driven (as I am so often labelled by my friends) does in a very small minority of people appear to create a feeling of needing to compete. I know this may well be more to do with their characters than my own. However, I do find it really difficult to manage these situations when they arise. I guess like most people, although practically impossible, I want to be liked by everyone . Oddly though it is those that feel the need to compete with me that I feel the need to gain approval from the most. I would much rather be a valued member of a team where we do well together than be considered better than anyone else. However I guess to those who want to compete and be considered better than the rest, my approach may well be a threat in some way. Oh well we shall endeavor to overcome such situations should they arise.

Anyway, enough thought and therapy for now, so until the next post I shall say Ciao

OMG it's been four years today!

2010-07-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that today clocks up four years post Dr O. Was it really worth all the pain, numbness bruising and nausea. Well lets just reflect for a moment on what has happened since, I've never had an issue getting work, I've been to uni and got a first class degree, had two boyfriends, travelled to three continents and other than those that I have wanted to share with, have never felt required to. So in answer to the question....oh yeah, it wasn't just worth it, the life I enjoy now almost certainly wouldn't have existed without the genius that is Dr O.

It's all gone BIG PICTURE!

2010-04-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

Following on from my last post I'm still nearly there. However this last push to the summit is far harder than I had anticipated. Everything is still on track but oh my god it is proving hard to get everything done in time. I suppose it could be fear of future changes of leaving university and joining the real world as I like to refer to it. Four years ago I had a plan to get me to this point of my life and now I'm here not knowing where I'll be working or where I'll be living or where my next journey will take me in a few months is unsettling me somewhat. However as I reminded one of my friends and thus myself this morning, when your world seems to be all BIG PICTURE with so much that needs addressing that you dont know how you'll manage, the best thing I find is to look back at what you've achieved over the last year. Usually I find that I've accomplished far more than I would have ever thought possible. Therefore I can nearly always take confidence from this that in a years time I will somehow have accomplised all that presents itself in my life now. That said I still have two papers to write so I best stop procrastinating and return to addressing that big picture.

Looking for the next journey

2010-01-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

In 2010 my train will finally arrive at its first journey's end. Despite the preparation for the journey, that took the best part of 18 months, when I originally got on the train nearly four years ago my intention was that whilst winding through the mountain pass of surgeries I would emerge the other side not only on track both physically and emotionally but that I would also have earned my ticket for the journey of a new career.

Nearly four years on has it been a successful journey? Well unless something goes disastrously wrong I will graduate from university in the summer, hopefully with a really good grade (fingers crossed); the pain of surgery is a distant memory and only fond memories of the amazing support received from friends remains; really good new friendships have been made whilst old friends have become family. And most importantly I would say I'm happy. So yes I'd consider it's been successful.

So where now? I nearly have my ticket to ride and despite career trains being slightly less available in the current financial climate my ticket is more of a travel card permitting me to work pretty much anywhere in the world. That said, life is okay where I am, not everyone knows the journey I've been on and most of the people that do have been fantastic travel companions.

So life is about to change again, there is uncertainty and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little anxious about the future. However the uncertainty of the next journey isn't a fraction of the last and that went pretty well. So here's to 2010 and the next journey, whatever it may be!

Is Christmas still a family thing?

2009-12-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

So a few years on, what is it that Christmas represents to me now? Well it has changed that's for sure. Coming from parents that divorced prior to any earliest memories Christmas was always a time to share my attentions to both sides of my family. And, that was how it was for.......well lets just say until I stopped trying to paddle upstream without the paddle.

Without going into details suffice it to say, me, family and feeling welcome haven't exactly coexisted in harmony in recent years. I've not been invited or welcome with my family and so Christmas has become time to spend with friends.

However, over the past year certain family members do seem to have changed their stance with me and on the face of it things probably look okay. To the point that they have been chasing me to spend Christmas with them this year. Whilst this a few years ago was all I wanted, time has moved on, as have I, and I've felt incredible reluctant to spend Christmas with them. It's not that I'm angry with them it's just that the faith I used to hold in family left me along time ago and I don't believe anything will ever fix it.

So here I am with my best mate as I have been for the last few Christmas's, drinking a glass of rose and starting to relax and enjoy the Christmas period. Christmas day I'll cook an 'all the trimmings' dinner, we'll both open our presents, Boxing day other fiends will as they have the past few years come over for drinks and crash for the night and New years eve we'll throw caution to the wind and have a wicked night out seeing the New year in. Life is more than okay, I'm doing what I want and spending Christmas with those I love.

So has what Christmas represents to me changed?No, not really it is and always has been about spending time with the people I love and have faith in.

So to all of you that are struggling out there this Christmas, keep the faith folks, it does get better. And whichever friends are sticking by you, give them your faith, love and attention. They may just need you as much as you need them.

Take care, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Lisa xx

I lost my friend

2009-12-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted last due in part to my nursing studies taking me to Africa for a month and a half. However I lost a close friend to cancer last week and in the absence of any religious beliefs, here I find myself needing to blog in an attempt to express my feelings somewhere.

The friend I lost was one of my core people, one of those that no matter what changes they are there for you to pull you through the dark moments with a shoulder to cry on and a funny comment that forces you to laugh at the sheer disasterousness of the situation. I've known him all my life as he's been a friend of the family for years having gone to school with my father.

He had friendship for everyone and always made you feel that you were an important part of his life. When I told him a few years ago of my need to transition his first concerns were that I wouldn't still want him as a friend. I was so scared that my friends would reject me that it had never occurred to me that someone may fear that transitioning may mean that I wouldn't want to be friends with them.

Oddly the dynamics of our friendship never really changed, he had an emotional intelligence that was always the basis of our friendship. He just got me; he understood the issues I have with my family pre and post transition. He knew how fragile I was when my family pushed me away and stood by me even when they tried to pressure him to not have me around. He just said she's my friend and I won't choose.

Although I still have reservations about certain members of my family, his constant support has brought us and other people back to a point where we're talking to each other. His funeral represented how far things have moved on in this respect -my dad was fine; my grandad gave me the hug at the exact moment that only my friend would have known I needed it; and possibly even more bizarrely, someone who used to beat me up at school, gave me a hug, a peck on the cheek, called me babe and said he was happy I was happy in life. I'm not sure if it was but I'm going to consider it was my friends way of telling me he's still there for me.

I really feel the loss but the legacy of his friendship will live on as his eldest daughter is also one of my core friends; I guess it could be partly genetic but wherever it comes from it was and is genuine, special, stronger than family and has undoubtedly made my life better.

Rest in peace Chrissy, I love you dearly, always and forever x x x

Myth of normal

2009-08-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

Boys, or more precisely one boy has me in a right pickle. Having met him at a salsa dance lesson just over a month ago he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out on a date a couple of weeks ago. We got on so well and subsequently went on a couple more dates. Everything was perfect but......... yes, I had to have the T talk.

He had asked me to stay the night to which I agreed but decided that I wouldn't allow anything to happen. Not for the want of his trying I did manage to resist his advances. The next day I suggested we could go for a walk, the sun was shining and I wasn't due in work til late afternoon. As he lived near the park we decided to take a slow walk around it that would take about two hours. We walked hand in hand bare foot in the grass, it was perfect and I savored every moment. I knew it was about to end but for a moment I was lost in the myth of normal

Half way around the park having stopped for ice cream we sat on a park bench. I knew I had to tell him but oh my god this was so hard. Made that much harder by the fact that I'm hopeless at telling people; I've never found the right words; I know I have a T history but I hate defining people by labels and so to categorize myself with one really goes against the grain.

I cant really remember the exact words but I told him that I really liked him but that I had something I needed to tell him and that I felt it was only right to do it before things went to far. He was really sweet and although completely shocked took it really well. We sat and chatted for about an hour with him asking questions such as when and how with me trying my best to answer them without discussing areas where details were unnecessary and uncomfortable.

With the morning now gone and with most of his questions answered we decided to walk back to his. He still held my hand and the grass still brushed my toes as we walked but the myth of normal had passed and was now replaced by reality.

By the time we got back to his I was all but due to leave for work, we sat and cuddled and kissed for a few moments but then it was time to go. Mutually we agreed that he needed to digest what had been said and thus I suggested that it be left for him to call me.

Although hopeful, rather expectantly the next day he did call and we broke up. Since then however he keeps texting me and has now offered to buy me a drink the next time he sees me at salsa. So now on this Saturday morning I find myself in need of a shopping trip for a drop dead gorgeous outfit for Tuesday's salsa lesson; all for a boy who's already dumped me but might (although I accept I could be delusional) still be the one.

And Breath!

2009-06-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

What an absolutely manic few months its been. I always knew that they didn't just give degrees out willy nilly but nonetheless I never expected it to be quite so all consuming. However I do so love the course I'm studying and the results so far have been well worth the effort. Only one more year til qualifying and an income :-)

So I guess a little recap is due seeing as I've not written for some time. Well with regard to my last post, keeping the boat rockers at a safe distance is still working out okay. Their comments are a little patronising at times but it is amusing to see some people who wanted no association with me, now that I'm doing okay, seemingly wanting it.

I guess the tide of enlightenment has just started to flow in my favour and they're trying desperately to get on board. Fortunately I'm fully aware of their nature and that of tides and I've no doubt that if it started to ebb the other way they'd be the first to jump ship again.

So it would seem that there is truth in the saying you should be nice to people on your way up cos you'll meet them on the way down. Cos like all of us that have been on the downward spiral I certainly remember those that were nice on their way up and those that weren't; and I know where my loyalties lie.

That aside life is really good. I've just had one of those days seeing old friends which was great. Slightly odd having to remember not to be familiar with some people I knew before, thus avoiding complete confusion on their part (Dr O is a genius and I owe him the wonderful life I have but it does create odd situations at times). However it was a lovely day the sun was shining and I got to spend time with some of my wonderfully enlightened friends who know that it's okay to be just a little bit f*****d up every now and then.

Anyway lots to do tomorrow so I'd better leave it there for the time being but its summer break soon so I'm hoping I'll be able to write more soon.

Have they missed the boat?

2009-03-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

Mmm my emotions are telling me it's a distinct probability. But why? There was most definitely a time when any thought of sailing this ship of life without them was incomprehensible. However this ship set sail on the correct heading a long time ago and much of the stormy water that it's encountered has been driven by the prevailing winds of their attitudes towards its destination. More to the point the crew is now made up of those that didn't abandon ship or commit mutiny and who chose instead to stand by me even when I couldn't convince myself that life was going to end up all things titanic.

I guess in some ways I could let them get on board, but in all honesty its an uncomfortable squeeze and whenever they do it has a tendency to rock the boat. And I for one don't think that's right. For me the people I love in my life now are the ones that stuck by when I needed them most and I feel I kind of owe it to them and myself to protect the current relative calm waters.

Thus in the fear that it has the potential to scuttle my ship's smooth sailing I'm going to opt for them to sail alongside at a safe distance. Close enough to see certain people that I still care for and who have had no choice of direction their captain has chosen but far enough away to avoid getting caught up in their wake.

Galactic stupidity

2009-02-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Yes it would appear Daft Vader would be more apt a name for the evil empire currently present in my world. Having been diplomatically advised by the senate that one should reconsider their place of evil endeavors Daft has felt it necessary to take one last blast of the laser gun, promptly managing to only succeed in blasting a big hole in his own foot. Galactically stupid, incomprehensible but incredibly amusing all at the same time.

I truly believe that good triumphs over evil and although it usually takes a little bit longer for it to happen and one would rather people were just nice to each other justice being served is a great healer of the injustices we experience.

A blameless society !

2009-02-20T09:58:00.000-08:00

Aka an evil empires best ally.

My apologies but this is going to be a rant from the outset. Why oh why are people so god damn scared to make a stand against something they know to be wrong. Instead they just wishy washy around poo pooing everything so they don't have to do anything; inevitably condoning Darth Vader's 'I'm on an evil power trip' actons and further more provides him with the blueprints of exactly how evil he can be without anyone being able t do anything about it.

Wonderful, thank you, cant personally think how much worse that could have gone even if I had strapped myself naked to a pod racer piloted by Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Lovely, super.

So you could say the force has not been strong with me today but alas I did express my concerns to the spokesperson of today's blameless society and I will remain hopeful that they will trust their feelings and stick a big light saber one in the eye to the dark side soon.

On a lighter note I couldn't help but notice that the automatic doors at work sound exactly like the noise the pod racers make in star wars.

Doing the right thing

2009-02-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

Mmm, decisions decisions decisions. Why isn't there one big book full of right answers? Rocks and hard places is my guess.

Scenario being, someone I care about wanting me to meet a new someone they care about who knows people whose cares about me I don't care for but who maybe unaware of this and thus maybe likely to question my cares for these people of which an honest answer I doubt would be cared for much by the the person I care for. You see it's clear as mud.

I know the right thing is to avoid the question and if all else fails lie. It's much better that my cares for those with little care for me is expressed by someone other than me. Thus I'll leave to the person I care about to tell the person they care about and remian hopeful that they'll still care for me.

PS Happy Valentines to everyone who cares to care

Alarm bells!

2009-02-08T01:13:00.000-08:00

Okay so here I am feeling that need to blog. It's been quite a while since I've really felt the need get all my thoughts out of my head. September 2006 I believe it was, just before I started university and two months after I put all my eggs in Dr O's basket. So why now? Life is good, I'm getting way better grades than I ever thought I would at uni; I love nursing and being a student; I've got lots of friends and I generally I don't find myself doing the 'do they don't they know' thing. To the point that last night I felt confident enough to flirt with ten guys playing pool in the pub and hustle them out their money in a game of killer; one for the girls!

Anyway back to point, why now? The evil empire of an ex friend with too much knowledge and the bloody mindlessness to use it to cause trouble. The sheer stupidity is unbelievable. Firstly why would you do it? and secondly if you're going to pick on someone surely picking on anyone that has navigated the minefield of such a journey is the last person you should choose. Idiot, nasty idiot but nonetheless an idiot.

So there's my reason, nasty evil empire idiot thinking that they're all this and that. Truthfully I hate confrontation but I hate intimidation and bullying more and feeling the need to blog is a small price to pay and you never know it in itself may be a blessing in disguise.

A New Hope

2009-02-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well its been a fun day in the middle of what may be an evil empire up rising in the making. I'm sure there is always one Darth Vader on a power trip in every warp of life but why is it you can never spot them until they know all the things about you you wish you could forget yourself?

What possesses some people to think they can go around being nasty and think that people will respect them for it. Completely beyond me I know. However if there is a bright centre to the universe then hopefully we're not on that planet that it's furthest from, Jedi's will prevail and we can go back to playing with the Ewoks (So to speak that is).

Anyway back to my fun day, brought about by yet even more snow. Thus, no buses, no work plus a whole lot of immaturity from my nice housemate and me meant it was all out snowball madness. I've been hit by more than I threw (Thanks roomy!) Fell over twice, rolled down a hill made a snowman and trekked all the way to university and back. Returning slightly cold and wet but with big smiles.

First post, rant or therapy as I like to think of it over :-)